Season one of A Scare At Bedtime has been and gone, with the gruesome two promising a return
in the Autumn. Then again, can we believe anything they say? Nevertheless, we have had 20
episodes of terror and shite-enducing frights from Ballydung Manor, and below is a summary of
those 20 pieces of art. (Some of the titles are the actual P&R title; some of them are of my own
Podge walks in on Rodge rocking out to Death Metal Bitch, and reprimands him for potentially
summoning up the "quare fella." He gets the scuttering gobsheen to recite the 6 things that
should never be done for fear of summoning the hooved one - listening to Death Metal Bitch,
spitting in church, shouting at goats, having dirty dreams about Mary Black, putting go-faster
stripes on cars, and microwaving pets. He then outlines the tale of Damian McÁrsagán, from
Sixmilehole, who claimed that the devil was doing favours for him. One night in Gussy
Bollocken's pub, in answer to a barman's question, he said he would sell his soul for a night with
one of those "fancy women." Almost immediately, a "raven-haired beauty" walked in. He asked
her to dance, and they pranced around until he found the courage to kiss her. Naturally, she
pierced his heart with her forked tongue as Damian baulked at her hooven clooves, and she left
shrieking horribly with nothing but the smell of sulphur in her wake. Suitably rebuked, Rodge
offers Podge a tongue sandwich - with the sandwiches arranged neatly in a pentangle. Podge
decides he needs a trip to the chiropodist, and shows Rodge his hooves.
After hearing Rodge declare that he gave O'Houligán's daughter a ride, and discovering that he
meant a ride on his bike, Podge tells the tale of their unfortunate cousin Fintan O'Leprosy. The
young man had bought a new car in Mullingar, and was tearing down the M6 at a frightful pace.
He noticed a young blonde girl hitchhiking, and offered her a lift. Believing himself to be well in
with said female, he was brought back to reality when he felt the car hit something. Acting upon
the young lady's wishes, he got out to check. Once he was out of the car, he heard a
blood-curdling laugh, and could only watch as the car pulled off, and left him at the side of the
road. The last thing he saw as his motor disappeared into the dust was his own face at the wheel.
It was then that he looked down and noticed his female body and clothing. He had been a victim
of body transferal, the end result of that very blonde female having been run over by some "flash
young bucko" many years ago. In revenge, she trawls the motorway, taking over the bodies of
those foolish enough to offer her a lift. Rodge claims that O'Houligán's daughter can walk from
After perving over their specialist, top-shelf magazines (tractor catalogues), Rodge announces
his desire for a lie-in. Podge advises against it, citing the case of Henry "The Sleeper" Madden as
an example. Henry had been an exceptionally lazy man, sometimes even sleeping in until
10.00am. He worked as a travelling salesman for O'Dwyer's Fancy Goods, and got caught in a
terrible storm one evening. He sought shelter at an old house, and was greeted by an old woman,
who told him that there had been a death in the house, and that the mourners were all asleep.
She could only offer him the front room, which he gratefully accepted. He stumbled through the
darkened room, before finding a reasonably comfortable box-bed, and he fell asleep. He was
awoken early the next morning by the sounds of nails being driven into his own coffin. So, it
could be said that he has been having a good lie-in since 1957.
Rodge decides against paying £20 for a spanking as Podge claims he'd smack the head off him
for £15. He recommends an early night, as they are to visit Uncle Níscrollocks the next day.
Rodge begins to bite his nails, leading to the tail of Cormac MacAnus from Rings End. His
father, Félim, had been a tram driver, and every day, there would be red meat for dinner in the
MacAnus household. Neighbour Nosy Nelligan was among those puzzled as to how Félim could
afford this on a tram driver's salary, and she disappeared in suspicious circumstances, ending up
on a meathook in the MacAnus basement. Much later, an investigating policeman finds Nosy
Nelligan and, amongst other things, a nipple kebab from the local Trade Union Choir in the
basement. The MacAnus' are hauled off to jail and a diet of raw turnips. The young Conor was
sent to nuns, who reared him. He remembered nothing of his parents' deeds. When he turned 16,
"a time of change for all young men", he gave his young lady Dympna a love bite. She needed 6
stitches. The nuns kept him locked away in the hope that they could cure him of his cannibalistic
tendencies. He began to chew his nails. Soon enough, he had worked his way down to his wrist.
Then came his legs. Spare ribs. Bollocks. Soon enough, all that was left of him was his head, so
he rolled himself into the toilet, through the sewers, and out to God knows where.
Realising that Santa had been no good to him thus far, Rodge turned to making out a Satan list,
placing Mary Black on it. Podge reminded him of Christmas 1955, known as Black Xmas. The
Fitznobs had taken over Ballywank Manor in November of that year, and generally set about pissing
off the locals by being snobs and not paying bills. Fitznob himself set off to Paris, France to
purchase wine for the Christmas season. (This led Rodge to a possessed rant about "brazen
hussies" in Paris' red light regions). The proprietor of one particular wine cellar was an old blind
man, who boasted of having the finest brandy in the world - which was not for sale. Fitznob,
regardless, took a glass, and indeed declared it to be the finest. Enraged, the old man threw
Fitznob out of his shop. That night, the premises burnt to the ground, with everything destroyed,
with the exception of a particular barrel of brandy. The Christmas season was a roaring success
at Ballywank Manor, and Fitznob promised a glass of the finest brandy to each of his guests.
They too agreed that the brandy was the finest they had ever tasted. But even when the last drop
had been drained, the barrel was still surprisingly heavy. The first family to die in agony were
the Fitzgoblets, followed by the Fitzgoolies, and the O'Gankies. Fitznob himself died of shock
when he opened the barrel, and found the body of a general from the Napoleonic war inside. One
of the first people to die from the Black Plague, his body wasn't the only thing that had been
preserved by the brandy.
As Granny O'Leprosy's Womens' human sacrifice night raged downstairs, Podge told of the
origin of the saying "pulling my leg." In the 1800's, a young chap by the name of Oliver Feely
from Borris In Ársary travelled up to Dublin for the first time to visit his sister, who worked
there. As he walked around prior to meeting her, he witnessed a public hearing, presided over by
Judge Breachneach, or Judge Breakneck. So called because of his fondness for the death penalty.
A highwayman, standing trial, was asked to point to the ring leader if he himself was not guilty.
He pointed to Oliver standing in the crowd. The Judge quickly passed sentence and sent the
innocent youngster to his death by hanging. His sister was amongst the baying crowds that lined
the streets, and begged for his release. The Judge showed a certain amount of compassion : in
the days before gallows, it could take up to 20 minutes for the unfortunate prisoners to strangle.
He allowed Oliver's sister to pull on his legs as he dangled in order to speed up the horrible
Drooling over the prospects of boiled sheep's eyes and pig pudding for breakfast, and taking care
to hide them from Granny ("she could suck a sheep's eye through a hedge of nettles!"), Rodge's
appendix began to give him trouble. Podge outlined his fear of hospitals, reciting what had
happened to Donny Gusset. He too had gone into hospital to have his appendix removed, and
was subjected to trying a new anaesthetic - which merely paralysed him, and left him awake and
aware of every incision as he was operated upon. The next morning, he raged at his nurse,
vowing to sue the hospital for everything they had. Later that day, a very important politician
was wheeled into Donny's ward. Donny woke up that evening as he was being wheeled into the
operating theatre once more. Paralysed, but conscious. He felt everything as they removed his
heart and gave it to the ailing politician. Donny had a labrador's heart put back in his chest, and
after being arrested for sniffing other dogs' arses and pissing on lampposts, his wife had him put
Despite Rodge's praise for his newly purchased sunbed, Podge refuses to sample it. He
recounts the tale of Fionnuala Fitzgiblet, who was to be bridesmaid at Dolores O'Gackalán's
wedding. As she spent long hours working indoors, Fionnuala had little opportunity to work on
her tan during the summer months. So, just before the wedding, she made her way to Dublin, to
try out the tanning salons. The 30 minute limit was just not good enough for her, but the
assistants would not allow any more. So she went to another salon. And another. In all, she had 7 sessions
under sunbeds in different salons. At the wedding, everybody was jealous of her golden colour. She was
delighted. A couple of days later, she began to notice a foul smell, which gradually got worse.
She realised it was coming from her, and scrubbed and scrubbed, to no avail. Her doctor sent her
to a specialist in Dublin, who informed her that her extended sunbed sessions had led to her
internal organs being microwaved. She had a few weeks left to live. Rodge feared that the
pungent stench he was getting was his own innards, but it was merely Granny's burst colostomy
bag seeping upstairs.
Rodge asks to borrow the car, in order to bring his beau Sadie from the slaughterhouse to Lovers'
Peak. "Are you sick or excited or what?" And Podge goes on to tell the tale of Jack Morples and
Mary Stenkard, who had travelled to Lovers' Peak in order for a bit of backseat "fiddling and
canoodling." Upon attempting to return home, the car wouldn't start. Jack set off to look for
assistance. Mary switched on the radio for company. She heard a newsflash about a crazed
lunatic who had escaped from the local asylum, and was on the prowl. Almost immediately, she
received a phone call on her mobile from someone who claimed she looked "tarty" in her red
dress. Scared shitless, she was delighted to see Jack's face appear out of the darkness. Except it
was his dead skin mask on the face of the crazed lunatic, as Jack swung upside-down on a
meathook from a tree beside the car. ("For the love of bejaysus and St. Micháil on a bicycle!")
Mary escaped, and was later found, having aged 30 years with the fright.
Podge rebukes Rodge for cursing his bike, and leads into the tale of The Tractor of Doom. Old
Man Toolin, of Wanklestown, died, and had but one son to take over his farm, a ponce who lived
in Dublin, and saw the farm as an opportunity to run away from his many debts. To his disgust,
no-one would buy his land, and Old Skanger O'Houlihán explained why - it was druids' land. The
son defiantly bought 100 cattle, intending to rear them, and stick it to the "superstitious country
eejits." Within 2 weeks, all the cattle were dead, as they refused to eat the grass. The son sold his
father's house, and bought a Massey Ferguson 5000. As he ploughed angrily through the field, he
failed to notice all the human remains being pulled from the earth. When he saw them, he
laughed and continued. The tractor fell to a halt, and he got down to see what the problem was.
As he bent over the plough, the tractor roared into life. The feckless rogue was ploughed into the
field, his bones joining those of the druids. The tractor continued to plough for 7 days and 7
nights, ploughing a six foot trench in the shape of a pentangle, the sacred mark of the druids. The
tractor was dismantled, and pieces placed in hundreds of bits of machinery all over the country,
with each machine in turn said to be possessed with the druids' spirits. Rodge's bicycle rears up
in the hall outside.
The tale of Dolores McLoughlin from Mullinasnot, and her mean father Oxgin. Her life had
been a misery ever since her mother died, as her father now treated her as his personal slave. He
said that the only way she would ever leave the farm they lived on would be in a box. He had a
particular fondness for boiled eggs, and would time his daughter with his own egg timer as she
prepared his meals. If she overcooked the egg by one grain of sand, he would lay into her with a
stick. Once a month, she was accompanied to the local library, offering the only source of
happiness in her life. When a dashing new librarian, Rúarlach Ni Bowlán, started working there, Dolores
fell completely in love, and the two would exchange notes left in the books she took from the
library, thus keeping the whole affair from her mean old father. One evening, she arranged to
elope with her lover. She left the farm at 11.30, with her father asleep. Rúarlach's car pulled up
at their meeting point, and her father jumped out. Rúarlach was in the backseat - complete with
axe embedded in his head. Her father drove to the nearby quarry, telling Dolores that she had to
bury her young lover. While he waited in the car for her to return with a shovel, she summoned
all her strength to use the shovel to lever the car over the edge into the quarry. She placed the
ensuing ashes from her father's corpse in his eggtimer.
The grisly tale behind Jeremy Finkle, America's No.1 serial killer. Jeremy's family lived at No.
763 Colon Avenue, Butt Crack, West Virginia. His father was a Peruvian monkey minder.
Peruvian tradition had it that when a monkey died, eating its brain would bestow upon the eater
great wisdom and knowledge. And Jeremy's Dad was no exception to the rule. This tradition and
practice was passed on to Jeremy, and he was very successful at school, working his way up to
becoming a professor. His appetite for more brains and thus more knowledge never lessened,
and with monkey brains running short in supply, he turned to human brains. Each year, after
graduation, he threw a small party for his most clever students. And each year, one student
would go missing, and wake up on a customised torture rack in the basement of 763 Colon
Avenue. Jeremy would then take a drill to the back of his student's head, and drill a hole large
enough for a tea spoon. After he had married, and hidden his ways from his wife, he was
disappointed to find that his son had none of his taste for brains. As his son was considerably
stupid, Jeremy thought it would be best if he helped him along the way. So, he introduced his
son to the basement, and strapped himself on the rack, to demonstrate just how it was done. The
last thing he remembered was the whirring of the drill in his son's hands as he put it to his
Podge compares Rodge to a "bitch in heat" as he declares his love for a mystery lady (a cross
between Mary Black and Enya) he had recently served in the filling station. She offered her phone number,
and a date. Podge asks if she had an emerald tooth, and it turns out she had. He exclaims that his
brother has "gone and set up a date with the zombie bride of Séamus Shenanigans, the vampire
leprechaun!!", and thus sentenced himself to a hexed life of undeadness, just like Barney Pollop.
It materialises that Séamus Shenanigans had a fondness for young bachelors' blood, particularly
those of a low moral standard. Pollop owned a shop, and was visited one day by an attractive
young lady. Being a regular bucko, he fancied his chances with the married woman, and cracked
on to her. He ended up closing up the shop, and going home with her, where she sucked him dry.
Of blood, that is. Séamus Shenanigans and his zombie bride had a right old bloodfest. The last
thing Pollop saw was an emerald tooth in the mouth of the woman who had seduced him. The
terrified Rodge asked if there was any way to lift the curse now set upon him. There was - run
bollock naked through a bed of nettles 13 times, screaming "away with ye, leprechaun, away
with ye, leprechaun!!!" under the next full moon. He obliged, and Podge swiftly called the young lady
from the filling station to arrange a date, and also the police, to have them come arrest the
"raving lunatic" running around his garden stark bollock naked, and lock him up until after his
Rodge returns from a spree at the market, showing off the metal detector he had picked up. Or
"the quare fella's tool", as Podge would have it. He outlined the possibilities of unearthing rare
cursed artifacts with the detector, just like Prionsius Ní Crotch. He had studied archaeology in
Trinity College, and was off on his first expedition to South America, in search of the lost Inca
village, Licki Bum Bum. After chopping down 5000 acres of rainforest, they came upon the lost
village. Amongst the treasures they found was the legendary Golden Arse of Licki Bum
Bum. It is said to have been modelled on the very arse of Patacheeki, the great Inca god of whom
it is said that "the sun shone out of his arse". The Inca guides Ní Crotch had brought with him
were terrified, and spoke of the 1000 curses the Golden Arse brought with it. Regardless,
Prionsius had the Golden Arse shipped to his home town, Castlebarethigh. He returned some
time later - to a mass funeral. The entire town had been wiped out mysteriously. Realising his
error, he placed the Golden Arse in a safe, intending to leave it there for ever. It was stolen by
thieves - a gang of "arse bandits". Prionsius forgot about it, until his wedding night. His new
bride said that she had a present for him - and produced the Golden Arse. He looked on in horror
as her bodily fluids turned to sand and she dropped dead in front of him. He died of a broken
heart. Needless to say, Rodge had also purchased a fetching bike-stand at the market - the
Golden Arse itself.
Rodge enquires if Podge's side of the bed will be free on Saturday, as he feels that his "boat has
come in" with Sadie from the slaughterhouse. Podge reels off the tale of Padraig "Pony"
Mahoney, who had been something of a stud in the town of Abbeyswinta. He had shagged every
single woman in the place, fancied himself as a right Romeo, and declared that he'd "ride any
woman with a heartbeat", before notching them upon his bedpost. And then "drop them like a hot
snot". The sight of a newly-wed couple arriving in the town filled him with glee - another
conquest. The woman worked in an art shop. He dolled himself up and called in - "I'm a famous
local artist. How'd you like to pose in the nude for me?" When she refused, his approach was
slightly more direct - "well how about a shag then?" She turned him down, labelling him old and
flabby. He persisted, declaring that he could give her the "real lovin'" she needed, seeing as "that
dickhead husband of yours is never around". Her husband worked out of town somewhere. She
still turned Pony down. He turned to plastic surgery, going for the works. He woke up after the
operation, took off the bandages, and found his dick grafted to his forehead. "Who's the dickhead
now?", asked the surgeon - the husband of the woman Pony had been harassing. Intrigued, Rodge asks coyly if
he could get his nose enlarged. While peering at his crotch. Podge replies that "it's not your nose I'd be worried about - it's
your mickey that needs the attention".
Rodge comments on the Ballydung bypass, or the alien landing site, as Podge would have it. He
prophesises doom on earth, all thanks to Finbar O'Pubicán from the creamery. Finbar had been
out in the fields with his brothers Félim and Scrotum. A strange disc appeared overhead,
hovered, and disappeared again. The brothers found Felim at the other end of the field 15
minutes later, with 5 days beard growth on his face. He had been abducted, but had had a very
pleasant experience. Having served him tea and a slice of brack, the aliens got around to talking
about manure, saying that they needed fertiliser on their planet, Ca Ca. Ever the entrepreneur,
Finbar struck a deal with the aliens, selling them all the shite they needed for £25 a bag. This
continued for ages - Finbar fed the cows syrup of figs as demand increased, until one day he
couldn't contain his curiosity, and he stowed away on their ship. He overheard the aliens
discussing how they only needed one more load of shite before they had enough to power 1000
of their battleships, ready to invade Earth. Even though brave Finbar managed to blow that particular ship up,
they still wait in the skies, according to Podge, waiting until the landing site is completed.
"For the love of St. Benji in a brothel!!" Rodge walks in on Podge, who is entertaining Mildred,
a blow-up doll. Or rather a burglar deterrent. Rodge is praising local Councillor Goggins, who is off to
grab some more E.E.C. money. Podge declares that the only reason those politicians go to Brussels is to
acquire new organs. He claims that there are hordes of identical beings grown in Brussels from
samples of our D.N.A. and tells the tale of one particular double, RX75. He was a lucky double -
as yet, his owner hadn't lost any of his body parts, so he was still in possession of all his own. On
the other hand, his best friend had an extremely careless owner, and had to donate most of his
body. In fact, he only survived because of a rake of plastic tubing, and "a bag where his arse used
to be". The one thing all these doubles live for is the chance that they might outlive their owners,
and thus be eligible to be let out into the real world. And one day, when RX75 was 43, it
happened to him. The administrators gave him his new name - John Burns; and he told his
girlfriend, so that she could look him up when she got out. He stepped into the lift, and was
taken all the way down. To the crematorium.
The two boys begin discussing the terrible affliction (they all had to wear 3-legged trousers)
upon the Moore family - the father Dick, his sons Micky, Willy, and The Lad, and their German
cousin Helmut. The Moores were neighbours of Rúairi O'Pleuresy, who treated his mother very
badly indeed. She gave in to his every order, as he was all she had left following her husband's
disappearance one day. She had to hold down 3 jobs to keep him in money for beer and "putting
on the gee gees". He threatened to burn her beloved wedding photo if the money ever ran out.
And one day, on account of her illness and inability to work, the money ran out. He smashed the
frame of the picture. Heartbroken, she searched for a replacement frame in the wedding trunk in
the attic. And found her husband's decaying corpse instead. ("For the mother of St.Bernard in the
batmobile!!") She went back downstairs, fixed her photo, and took a knife to her wrists. After
the funeral, the priest came to Rúairi, telling him that a woman had come to him, asking him to
offer Rúairi his last rites, and the chance to save his soul. He declined, the priest recognised the
woman from the wedding photo, and Rúairi dropped dead with the weight of a thousand mortal
Podge defines a banshee as a wailing woman who appears only to warn of the
imminent death of a family member. He tells the tale of Anal Boyle, from Haxball Cross, who
had a brief fling with Henrietta McGee, before he moved to America for a prosperous life. One
night, as he dreamt, he saw home, and a strange woman who screamed and howled in a
sickening way he had never heard before. The next morning, his mother rang to inform him that
his father had died. He returned home for the funeral, and decided to stay for a while, to look
after his mother. One night, he had the same terrible dream, with the same terrible screaming.
He went downstairs to find his mother dead from an overdose of sleeping tablets. After her
funeral, he got drunk, took a white hot poker, and there is no better way to say this : "for the love
of St. Pamela in a jacuzzi, he burnt his fecking ears out!!" Surely now he could never hear the
awful wailing ever again. He returned to America, learnt sign language, and forgot all about the
Boyle banshee until one New Year's Eve, many years later. As he lay in bed, the banshee paid no heed to the fact
that he was deaf, and screamed around his head. He fell downstairs in agony, and noticed the
outline of a woman at his door. Taking his shotgun, he riddled the door with bullets, the woman
fell to the ground, and the screaming stopped. He opened the door, and found a beautiful young
lady with a suitcase, covered in blood, dead on his doorstep. She had a note in her hand - she was
the daughter that had been born to Henrietta McGee after her brief fling with Anal all those
years ago. A daughter he'd never known about. The banshee began to wail uncontrollably in his
head again. He knew whose death she was foretelling this time. As he put the barrel of the
shotgun in his mouth, he put the Boyle banshee to rest for good - he was the last remaining
member of the family.
This was an odd episode, with the boys broadcasting from Ballydung Radio instead, and Rodge
reading out his favorite obituaries - Gonad O'Reilly from Fiddler's Minge (mistakenly), and Mrs.
Oral Kavanagh - the local bike. Podge then introduced a track from "local boys done good"
Fester and Ailin. Taken from their album "Down The Furry Glen", the tune "Tropical Diseases"
saw the 2 (Podge on guitar, Rodge on accordion) performing in a graveyard, while outlining the
dangers (possible outcomes being coughs and wheezes, puss oozing from every pore, a swollen
sac, being on the bowl for 48 hours and having a spider crawl up your hole etc.) of eating
foreign foods i.e. frogs in France, or dogs in Korea.
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